Happy Birthday To Me!

Today was not the birthday I had planned. Pain from the herniated disc in my back has been intense and I was forced to stop and rest. And I recognized that I am more aware of blessings when I’m stopped than when I’m hurrying through my own agenda. Although my day started with physical pain it also started with the sweetest birthday hug from my daughter, a yummy breakfast brought to me by my husband, and has been rounded out with flowers, a cake, balloons, gifts, and dinner not prepared by me. Oh, and I’m here to celebrate another year of life!! Today is the day God had planned for me and His plans are always better than mine. Life can be painful and messy and sometimes we have to search hard to see the blessings. Today I am grateful that the blessings far outweighed the pain.  

Slough of Despond

"Fear sets against God's promises when it ought simply direct the soul from the threatenings to the promises to make the promises shine." George Barrell Cheever

I've been rereading The Pilgrim's Progress and found this poignant footnote in chapter two. It reminded me that God's promises always outshine the darkness that pain brings. Agonizing feelings and anxious thoughts sometimes persist like a dog with a bone and that's when I have to choose again and again and again to put my trust in God's promises. Job 23:10 reminds me that perseverance has great rewards. Hebrews 2:14-18 reminds me that Jesus feels our pain and he gets firsthand what we're going through. John 3:16 reminds me of God's great love for us and the promise of eternal life we have through Jesus. Romans 8:15 reminds me of how personal and accessible God is. No elaborate prayers needed. Just a simple cry to "Abba, Father!" 

I Get Down and I Get Up Again

This morning when reading Colossians 3 I was reminded about how we are called to live as Christians.  Paul lists over a dozen ways. The list includes gentleness, patience, forgiving and accepting others. Yesterday I had moments of just the opposite…impatient, harsh, and feeling justified in holding onto my rights over being wronged. I really desire to please God in every moment but I fail more than not.

I vividly remember when Rebekah was learning how to walk. She wobbled as she stood on her chubby little legs, would take half a step and then fall. I would help her stand back up to try again. A process that was repeated many many times before she was able to take firm steps without falling. I would clap for Rebekah to keep trying and felt great joy, pride and pleasure in watching her learn how to walk. This week my counselor reminded me that that is how God see’s us in our walk with Him. We all have days when we stumble and fall. God isn’t watching us with disappointment or disapproval. When we fall we are met with God’s outstretched hand ready to help us stand back up. He claps and cheers for us as we become stronger and He is pleased with our efforts to walk in ways that honor Him.

When we remember this, we don’t feel guilt or shame when we mess up. We confess and take God’s hand and look into Jesus’ face and see Him clapping and cheering for us as we grow stronger. Today may our steps be lighter as we embrace the freedom we have in God’s help and love for us. 

Holding Hands

Young friends holding hands with arms swinging. A newly in love couple who can’t separate their hands. An older couple who still hold each other’s age spotted hands. A parent holding the hand of their child to guide and protect them. Whether fingers laced together or hands firmly cupped in each other’s palms, hand holding is intimate and comforting. Isaiah 41:13 is a beautiful reminder that we have a personal God who in every circumstance hold’s our hand. “For I, Yahweh your God, hold your right hand and say to you; Do not fear, I will help you.” As I read this verse I close my eyes and think about different situations where I feel alone and I picture Jesus’ hand in mine saying, “Cindy, do not fear, I will help you.” When in my brokenness I mess up, again, I picture Jesus taking both of my hands and saying, “Cindy, do not fear, I will help you.” I inhale this promise and find rest. “Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 

Unfailing Love

It feels like we're in a holding pattern right now as we wait to find out if the chemo and radiation are shrinking Eddie's tumor and killing the cancer in his body. My faith can sometimes be like a yo-yo. The yo-yo is up and I remember that we are being firmly held in God's hand. But then doubt or fear seeps in and I feel like I'm twirling down on a thin piece of string. God doesn't let go. My perspective changes and life does seem to spiral down when I focus on my circumstances instead of God's promises and character. While we are in this holding pattern I push deeper into God's grace. Grace sustains us and when I choose to relax in God's grace I don't look for peace in test results.

Easter brings more of an awareness of the grace God gives to us through Jesus' death on the cross. This isn't just a Bible story. Through Jesus' death we not only gain access to heaven but we are given new life every day! There are days that I am unloving and impatient. I am flawed and I sin every day. We all sin in some way every day. Romans 5:20 tell us, "where sin multiplies, grace multiplies even more." That seems backwards to me and makes grace amazing. No matter what we do God's love for us never changes. Never changes! When someone is unkind to me or cuts me off in traffic, my "like" for them changes much less love. I don't want Jesus' death on the cross and God's grace to ever become so familiar to me that I am not awed by it. When they become familiar, I become self-reliant. And down goes the yo-yo.

We continue to feel your prayers. They are keeping us strong!

My American Idol

Update on Eddie - Eddie has had minimal side effects from the chemo. He has an unpleasant rash on his face that is moving to his chest and is feeling tired which he's not used to. It's hard to know if the fatigue is a result of his body fighting off the cancer or the chemo. Probably both. Eddie started antibiotics to help with the rash and we are hopeful it will clear up soon. He continues to be upbeat, read, and closely follow the stock market. :) We are hopeful that this chemo will effectively treat Eddie's cancer and we are enormously thankful for your prayers for healing and for minimal side effects from the chemo!

Having Eddie home from the hospital, the curtailment of doctor appointments, and our house not imploding helped last week feel somewhat "normal". I was able to put in a full week at work and we resumed some of our routine activities. Since Eddie's diagnosis several weeks ago we've been working to get our finances in a position where I can support myself on one income. We are praying and hoping for the best and planning for the worst. While doing some research early Sunday morning Eddie read that only 15% of people with his type of cancer live for more than one year. Although the oncologist told us something similar when Eddie was initially diagnosed, hearing it again hit me like a tsunami and it felt like I was jolted back into the reality of our situation. Staying composed at church during the worship part of service was difficult and I lost my appetite for food after having regained it last week. Over the last several weeks I have become acutely aware of how inadequate my idol of self-reliance is. And of my sinful actions when any of my idols are threatened. This morning while reading Hebrews 4:15-16, I was reminded that Jesus can intimately sympathize with my weaknesses, emotions, and fears because He himself has experienced all of them and more. This doesn't minimize the pain I feel but it does bring me incredible comfort and strength to know that God Himself has experienced the anger, frustration, confusion, and sadness I feel in this present circumstance. And my idols being ripped away is a gift because I am given the blessing of joy as I trust God in spite of what I feel not only in this mammoth trial but also in the midst of those daily situations and annoyances that make me want to say words Jesus wouldn't. Ahem.

Psalm 16: 5, "Lord, You are my portion and my cup of blessing; You hold my future."

Asking Why?

"Trust in God, not explanations from God, is the pathway through suffering." Ray Ortlund I've been reminded of this truth often these past few weeks through the life of Job. This is a painful time for us that is truly filled with joy because although we don't understand why all this is happening the why isn't our focus. Our focus is on who God is and we know that He is hurting right along with us. And we find amazing hope in the promises found in Revelation 21. One day God will make all things right and there will be no more pain, loss, or tears! My heart just swells with gratitude to my loving Heavenly Father!