Holding Hands

Young friends holding hands with arms swinging. A newly in love couple who can’t separate their hands. An older couple who still hold each other’s age spotted hands. A parent holding the hand of their child to guide and protect them. Whether fingers laced together or hands firmly cupped in each other’s palms, hand holding is intimate and comforting. Isaiah 41:13 is a beautiful reminder that we have a personal God who in every circumstance hold’s our hand. “For I, Yahweh your God, hold your right hand and say to you; Do not fear, I will help you.” As I read this verse I close my eyes and think about different situations where I feel alone and I picture Jesus’ hand in mine saying, “Cindy, do not fear, I will help you.” When in my brokenness I mess up, again, I picture Jesus taking both of my hands and saying, “Cindy, do not fear, I will help you.” I inhale this promise and find rest. “Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 

Unfailing Love

It feels like we're in a holding pattern right now as we wait to find out if the chemo and radiation are shrinking Eddie's tumor and killing the cancer in his body. My faith can sometimes be like a yo-yo. The yo-yo is up and I remember that we are being firmly held in God's hand. But then doubt or fear seeps in and I feel like I'm twirling down on a thin piece of string. God doesn't let go. My perspective changes and life does seem to spiral down when I focus on my circumstances instead of God's promises and character. While we are in this holding pattern I push deeper into God's grace. Grace sustains us and when I choose to relax in God's grace I don't look for peace in test results.

Easter brings more of an awareness of the grace God gives to us through Jesus' death on the cross. This isn't just a Bible story. Through Jesus' death we not only gain access to heaven but we are given new life every day! There are days that I am unloving and impatient. I am flawed and I sin every day. We all sin in some way every day. Romans 5:20 tell us, "where sin multiplies, grace multiplies even more." That seems backwards to me and makes grace amazing. No matter what we do God's love for us never changes. Never changes! When someone is unkind to me or cuts me off in traffic, my "like" for them changes much less love. I don't want Jesus' death on the cross and God's grace to ever become so familiar to me that I am not awed by it. When they become familiar, I become self-reliant. And down goes the yo-yo.

We continue to feel your prayers. They are keeping us strong!

My American Idol

Update on Eddie - Eddie has had minimal side effects from the chemo. He has an unpleasant rash on his face that is moving to his chest and is feeling tired which he's not used to. It's hard to know if the fatigue is a result of his body fighting off the cancer or the chemo. Probably both. Eddie started antibiotics to help with the rash and we are hopeful it will clear up soon. He continues to be upbeat, read, and closely follow the stock market. :) We are hopeful that this chemo will effectively treat Eddie's cancer and we are enormously thankful for your prayers for healing and for minimal side effects from the chemo!

Having Eddie home from the hospital, the curtailment of doctor appointments, and our house not imploding helped last week feel somewhat "normal". I was able to put in a full week at work and we resumed some of our routine activities. Since Eddie's diagnosis several weeks ago we've been working to get our finances in a position where I can support myself on one income. We are praying and hoping for the best and planning for the worst. While doing some research early Sunday morning Eddie read that only 15% of people with his type of cancer live for more than one year. Although the oncologist told us something similar when Eddie was initially diagnosed, hearing it again hit me like a tsunami and it felt like I was jolted back into the reality of our situation. Staying composed at church during the worship part of service was difficult and I lost my appetite for food after having regained it last week. Over the last several weeks I have become acutely aware of how inadequate my idol of self-reliance is. And of my sinful actions when any of my idols are threatened. This morning while reading Hebrews 4:15-16, I was reminded that Jesus can intimately sympathize with my weaknesses, emotions, and fears because He himself has experienced all of them and more. This doesn't minimize the pain I feel but it does bring me incredible comfort and strength to know that God Himself has experienced the anger, frustration, confusion, and sadness I feel in this present circumstance. And my idols being ripped away is a gift because I am given the blessing of joy as I trust God in spite of what I feel not only in this mammoth trial but also in the midst of those daily situations and annoyances that make me want to say words Jesus wouldn't. Ahem.

Psalm 16: 5, "Lord, You are my portion and my cup of blessing; You hold my future."

Asking Why?

"Trust in God, not explanations from God, is the pathway through suffering." Ray Ortlund I've been reminded of this truth often these past few weeks through the life of Job. This is a painful time for us that is truly filled with joy because although we don't understand why all this is happening the why isn't our focus. Our focus is on who God is and we know that He is hurting right along with us. And we find amazing hope in the promises found in Revelation 21. One day God will make all things right and there will be no more pain, loss, or tears! My heart just swells with gratitude to my loving Heavenly Father!

A Heaviness

Update on Eddie – Today Eddie had his first bone infusion and of course made some new friends! He saw fellow cancer fighters having intravenous chemotherapy and feels grateful he has the option of the chemo pill, tarceva, right now. Thankfully our insurance company approved the treatment which Eddie will start taking tonight. Thank you for praying with us for the approval! Eddie is understandably nervous about possible side effects from chemo. Between being in the hospital and recovering at home, Eddie’s been cooped up for weeks on top of being slowed down by the chronic back pain he’s had for months. He is restless and tired of convalescing. Following the stock market, reading, and watching Netflix occupies some of his time. We are praying fervently that Eddie has no side effects from the chemo and that he will be restored to full strength and mobility very soon!

Depression and I have had an on-again, off-again relationship for the better part of my life and I usually recognize when it starts flirting with me. DNA, my thoughts, how I filter experiences, and fluctuating hormones seem to be the biggest contributing factors for me. What has helped me manage my depression is medication, counseling, and being careful about what I eat. Depression and helps are unique to each person who suffers with it and I am grateful for what has helped me because for so many who seek help depression continues to be a prison of hopelessness that seems impossible to escape. With all that’s unfolded in our lives over just 3 ½ weeks it’s not surprising that I’m feeling a bit melancholy. The past few days I’ve felt a heaviness like a weight in my chest that makes routine activities labored. Tuesday afternoon I searched through the Bible for scriptures that would lift my malaise. Nothing really moved or grabbed me. And I felt discouraged. Later that same day I was reminded that reading the Bible isn’t primarily a vehicle to help me feel better about myself or my circumstances. While the promises in God’s word do offer me great hope and encouragement, my focus when reading Scripture needs to be Christ-centered instead of “what’s in it for me”. When I read the Bible from a self-centered position I miss getting to know Jesus more deeply and seeing God’s greatness in the midst of all of life’s circumstances.

Truth That Settles My Soul

Tonight I am particularly comforted by Exodus 15:13, You will lead the people you have redeemed with your faithful love, You will guide them to your holy dwelling with your strength. I am thankful that God leads me as He walks the path before me and that I can rest in His strength instead of my own.

Wicked Thoughts

Update on Eddie…Today was an almost pain free day for Eddie! He is clear minded and continues to make remarkable progress each day. The chemo he’ll be starting is newly FDA approved and costs thousands of dollars and we are waiting on our insurance company to sign off on the prescription. If you have a moment we would appreciate your prayers for the process to be expedited. We are all eager for Eddie’s cancer to start being treated and we are praying that he will have minimal to no side effects from the chemo.

Bekah and I have wanted to see the musical Wicked for years and today we finally did! Before Dorothy landed in Oz, Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West, and Glinda, the Good Witch, had an unexpected friendship and Wicked tells their story. The play is rich with witty one liners and full of meaning. A must see if you have the opportunity. I won’t give any spoilers but wanted to share some insights that I think we can all relate to. From a young age Elphaba, the Wicked Witch, searched for meaning and approval from her father and ultimately the great Wizard of Oz. For a time she found meaning from those who recognized her sorcery talent. Glinda was self-absorbed and spent a great deal of time managing her image. They both had deep insecurities and searched for significance in different ways.

I think about my own insecurities and the ways I try to find significance from people and managing my image and how those practices actually compound the insecurity I feel. Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” When I started seeking to know the character of God and trusting who He is I started to fall in love with Him as I discovered how much He loves me. And how much He loves every person on this planet! Seeking God is a process that takes time and I still struggle with finding my significance in illusive ways but I have a peace and confidence like never before because my foundation is set in knowing that my true worth is found through Jesus Christ.  And that’s what God offers every person whether we already have faith in Him or question who He is. If you are unsure about God, Explore God is a great resource that shows real people who have had doubts and questions most likely similar to yours. Whether or not you know Christ you can find peace, hope, and significance in this life as you seek and grow in Him. Eddie and I would not have peace or joy during this trying time without our firm trust in God’s goodness that comes as we continue to seek Him.